Driving up to the ATM to deposit a check recently, I was appalled to find there were no envelopes. I vastly prefer older ATMs that have empty envelopes stuffed in a slot in the front of the machine, except for those blowing around the bank parking lot because someone didn’t close the drawer after taking one. Of course, besides the litter issue, the downside was that a dearth of envelopes would prevent me from depositing a check, but at least I wouldn't be harassed to the point of a breakdown.
Because I could get the envelope before I began the transaction, I could be ready when the ATM told me to insert the sealed envelope into the slot. Both old an new ATMs do this by beeping at you, the difference twixt the two being newer ATMs dispense envelopes. The problem is they start beeping as soon as they give you the envelope.
Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep....
It’s like the thing is telling me how inadequate I am, how I’m a failure, how my my mother didn’t breast feed me because she was secretly repulsed by what crawled out of her. I can’t do it fast enough, can’t do it good enough, and even after I finally get it in there, it won’t stop beeping at me—I’M SORRY, MA—PLEASE STOP YELLING!
That’s why I found myself in a state of awe and wonder at the new new envelope-less ATM machines. You just insert the check. You don’t even have to type in the amount first. It scans the check, shows you an image of the amount, and if it can’t read the number—it usually can—you just type in what you see. If that weren’t enough, your receipt has a scanned image of the check you just deposited. There’s no downside, at least not for me. I almost feel sorry for the person who used to open the envelopes and enter the check data by hand and is now out of a job. Of course, they missed where I entered $6.14 once, but the check was really $6.41. I never saw that 27 cents, so fuck’em.
As for me, finally, my needs are understood, no awkwardness, no judgment, just an enjoyable weekly visit, and no need to send cards or presents on holidays.
